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I Just Can’t Make Up My Mind

March 10, 2010

It came to my attention that I have not been as clear as I could. Now there are a great many people who I twittered with that don’t read the blog, but I thought I was pretty open on twitter. But there lies the downfall of twitter: we can’t live in someone else’s timeline 24/7. Especially if they talk a lot – not that I did – really! So I thought I’d write a post that breaks it down a little.

I can’t make up my mind. Well some people would say that. Or maybe they’d say I want my cake and cupcakes too. And honestly, since all my thoughts on this subject are just that – thoughts – there’s no experience backing them up, then maybe you can call me a fake. But I think there’s enough validity in what’s in a person’s mind being the impetus for what goes in their heart and actions, that I’m going to claim this for me. I am a kinky switch, who likes it rough but is not into pain, who loves the exchange of power, who loves cock and loves boobs, who is looking for a Poly(amorous) relationship.

Now does this mean when reality hits it will be easy because I know what I want? Hell no. Label wise I say I’m pansexual, switch and poly. Because it really is about the individual. I tend to fall for words and actions. Now that’s not to say the physical doesn’t draw me. I must admit a certain fondness for butches and bad boys. Huh maybe those are just two of the same. Anyway – the physical is important, but really less than people realize. At least for me (I’ve been on the other end of some people’s idea of what they do NOT want so).

I may post hot six-packs and sexy butches like Shane on my tumblr but you’ll have to trust me when I say that it’s the person. I could give examples but then if they read this blog I’d have to explain why I was giving them as examples of what most people aren’t interested in. Not going there. And I’ve had recent conversations where I didn’t explain this well. Me saying I’m not attracted isn’t about I don’t like you physically. It means there’s that little piece that didn’t click, even though we clicked in all other ways.

There’s a lot I can’t talk about – because I don’t know what will happen when I get to that situation – but there’s a lot I’m sure of. I’m sure that with some people the growly me comes out. The part that wants to take, to bite, to hold them in my control. This could be me pegging someone, this could be me choosing to please myself with their body. However *I* see fit. But other people make me feel very soft and vulnerable. Make me feel the need to please and bend to their will; the need to put what they want first and to be used by them.

I have always been into the cock – 95% of my experience has been with males. And yes, I love them. They will always be part of what I want. But I’ve expanded that out to include the non-bio cock. Especially when connected to a sexy butch. Although that doesn’t preclude the femmes. I’m just not experienced and have gone through much of my life uncertain of how far I’d go for many reasons I’ve stated before this post. But I’d say I have had a crush – even attempted the beginning of a relationship, with another girl. It’s the person as a whole that makes me hungry, makes me feel.

As for poly. That is rough. Especially with some things I’ve been going through. Well even the worst of situations let you learn more about yourself. I have learned a lot, I know there will be some jealousy depending on who my partner’s other partner is. But I also know that jealousy just means I’m not getting what I need from MY partner. And I need to ask for it. If I don’t get it, I need to ask again, but be prepared to walk away. There’s a lot more to it, but I still can’t see any way but poly. I do fall in love. And at this point I can’t see myself loving just one person because there are so many others that I connect to and so many facets of who I am and what I need.

So, I want it all. Or rather I can’t make up my mind. Depends on how you look at it. I never know what’s going to make me go down the path of lust/love/crush. I never know what’s going to make me click with someone as a friend. But I’m letting myself be open to all the possibilities. At the same time I’m keeping in mind what I can give – because it’s a two way street. I have to remember that I’m meeting someone else’s needs and be sensitive to that. We all have love to give and enough to spill over and over, but can we do justice to that many people. There are limits and a wise person knows (or is willing to learn and admit mistakes) just how far they can go. I’m lucky to have several wise people in my life who I can go to for advice. Thank you for that.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. March 10, 2010 9:36 am

    I think you have the right idea, you can’t box up emotions and people into little packages. You have to be open and insightful based on the situation at hand. Enjoy that cake and cupcake!:)

    • sweetspice permalink*
      March 10, 2010 9:56 am

      You know – cupcakes are wonderful And you can have lots of tasty bites, big and small! *grin* Hope your “situation” is going well.

  2. March 10, 2010 10:01 am

    wow, good one.. I’m at work so cannot leave long comment.
    I sorta know the feeling, I never know what I want. I made a commitment to my hunny but still love others, I just dont do anything about it.

    • sweetspice permalink*
      March 10, 2010 10:04 am

      Thanks Dave – and your comment is perfect. You know what you want and that’s what you work at. The whole point is to know yourself and keep it real. And you do my friend. *big hugs*

    • March 10, 2010 11:13 am

      no, I do not really know what I want. I just know that Terri is right for me.

      I like Blazer’s comment, you dont have to decide.. When you’re ready and the right situation is there, you will decide..

  3. March 10, 2010 11:06 am

    I think the cool part about the times in which we are living, is that you don’t have to make up your mind. You don’t have to choose one or the other. You don’t have to settle. Just follow that “click” sense of yours.

  4. Mina permalink
    March 13, 2010 7:15 am

    It’s the same. Attraction for me doesn’t only include the way someone physically looks. Though admittedly, I do have to be physically attracted to someone, it’s not everything. I’ve dated a *model* before but in my eyes he’s the ugliest man alive because he’s such an ugly person on the inside.

    I have to disagree somewhat in regards to jealousy. I have gotten jealous before watching him with another woman because she was doing something to him that I’ve never done (or do differently) and he was responding in a way I’ve never seen. So there’s that instant of feeling, “she’s better than me.” but then I got over it. So I guess in a way it is him not giving me something, in that case a response, but its not something he can just give me if I ask. Either way, I’m fine with the results of talking to him about it. He was happy to get that from her, but wasn’t something he wished I would do and so that made me feel at ease.

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