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One, Two, Three, Poly

January 8, 2010
tags: , ,

Let me preface this post with – I have absolutely no experience with poly in real life.

I never worried if my play-partners were single or not – that was their problem, not mine. But I knew that if I was “with” someone I’d expect them to not cheat on me. And I would never cheat on them. It was many years after my first thinking of this that I re-explored it. Mostly with the advent of the internet. Now it was possible to “flirt” with someone and it seemed safe, and would do no harm no matter if you were “committed” or not. The problem is, technically, it’s still cheating.

I had a friend on the MUD I played that did a bit of fooling around on the internet, but not without his wife’s knowledge. In fact they’d joined sexyads and were looking for a third. I would have loved to have been that third, alas they’re over the seas and far away. But it started me thinking as to what constituted “cheating”. He (and obviously his wife) felt as long as there was open communication between them, there was no “cheating” going on. Hmm. I chewed that one over a bit. I haven’t been in a “relationship” where that mattered since then, but at that time I probably would have stuck to my definition. I was more french vanilla than truly kinky.

In the past year or so I’ve really changed a lot of my thinking and I’m still thinking. I am not in a committed relationship, unfortunately there are many things in my life in the way of any kind of relationship – even play. But I realize I can’t go back to even French Vanilla. I consider myself pansexual (hi all you hot butches with brilliant minds, great smiles and a sexy sense of humor) and poly. Funny, since I’m not in a relationship. But I know my heart – there isn’t going to be ONE person that can reach all these new parts of me. And people I invite in are going to have to deal with that.

But I still have to work on what my version of “poly” is. Thank goodness for twitter, and all the lovely poly folks willing to share their ups and downs with me. I do know I will struggle – I get jealous and I always thought it was because of the other person. But it’s not that. I had to put it into words recently – I’m jealous of the time. Two things are needed for me to consider a poly-relationship – knowing that for that other person I am Important (with the capital I) and that they are willing to commit time to me. Not all their time, not to the exclusion of all others, but time – for me.

When I first opened up this account I found I had 2 levels of connections – people I was friends with, and people I flirted/crushed on. That has changed. There are friends (non-flirting type), casual flirts (whom I love to flirt with but would never follow through on because the mental is there but not that something-more-attraction), avid flirts (these I WOULD follow through on if I got the chance – people I’d make an effort to follow through with, but deep down they’re good friends), and then my crushes. People I flirt with, want greatly to follow through, and something more – feelings that could become greater. Of course these lists fluctuate, more so now than before. A lot of them stop flirting for whatever the reason and it hurts at first, if there was the beginning of a crush; some transition easily to an avid flirt.

More recently I felt one of these crushes was actually on the verge of becoming – something. But this individual has a different version of poly than I do; doesn’t feel the need to limit himself. His time is not malleable enough to remove a little from this person to pass on to me; and he does not have much time available. Could be that there was nothing on the verge – I have no clue his feelings for me, where I fit on his spectrum. But I had to back myself off – because I knew that I could so easily be hurt by his lack of interest (or ability) to make time for me.

But that doesn’t stop me caring for him or wishing it could have been different. I read another post by a wonderful blogger – Kyle – and he said some things that made a lot of sense. Sometimes you have to let go – because even though the feelings are there, you can’t for whatever reason do justice to that other person. It doesn’t stop it from hurting – and me, I like things tied up nicely. I still wish I knew how he felt, whether I was right or wrong in what I was sensing. But it did clarify some issues for me. I hope we can be friends.

Ultimately, I am who I am. He was right about that, things are what they are. There are several people who I’d be willing to develop some kind of more personal LDR with and if I found a local person I’d only accept them if they understood that I’d be committed to others as well. Right now – my heart hurts. I haven’t cried all my tears out – and I don’t have a desire to jump into anything that can cause me more. But there are those avid flirts – as long as I can avoid moving into the “crush” category I’m all good. I definitely want at least one play partner. And I really, REALLY want to explore my kinks – so I’m looking for people to help me do that – LD or otherwise. *I* have to find ways to make myself happy. And this, this is me. Now I need to figure out how to do *me* right.

7 Comments leave one →
  1. January 8, 2010 5:22 pm

    First, thanks for the kind words about my post, I’m glad it helped. Second, relationships are hard work, no matter what the style. Finding the fit with another human being is tricky, and that fit can change over time because we all change and our circumstances change.

    I wish you the best of luck and love, you’re a beautiful person.

    • sweetspice permalink*
      January 8, 2010 5:45 pm

      Thanks Kyle. For all that you are and do. You are a beautiful human being and I’m glad I’ve had the opportunity to meet you. You are very lucky to have such wonderful relationships – and you’ve earned them!

  2. January 8, 2010 7:53 pm

    As you know, Sylvanus and I are experiencing a more open relationship these days. As far as physical things go, it’s still a work in progress, but internet interactions are just as big a deal. We are allowed to “play” with others online, BUT we maintain open communication with each other. I don’t hide who I play with from him and he tells me whats going on with him. I don’t need nor want the details of his interactions, but just knowing that he is having those interactions with someone is something I’d like to know. If he does something behind my back, even though it is just “online” it still bothers me. We told each other we would be open and honest.
    With that being said, there are still things that bother me from time to time. Sometimes I don’t really care for the person he chooses to play with, but that is his choice. But I have to say, it bugs the shit out of me when that person doesn’t even acknowledge my presence. For example, someone on twitter that I started talking to first and met him through me, and all of the sudden they are now playing together. He suggested we all play together, but nothing happened. When I try to say hi online, she ignores me, when he does, they spend an hour playing. I would have liked to have had her send me a message… one lousy message of 140 characters just to say “hey, is this ok with you?” But no, she hasn’t and I’ve had to unfollow her because of it. She started to irritate me.
    I also get bothered when I am sitting around doing nothing and he is busy playing online. Or we are supposed to be doing something together and his phone is constantly going off and he is texting away. I just want that little bit of respect to be spending time with me and not others. Or at least be able to tell me who it is… I HATE having to ask him who he is talking to constantly. It makes me feel like the prying wife and that is not who I am. Not to mention it makes me get upset with him when in reality all he is doing is having a convo with his sister or something. Then I feel foolish.
    Anyways, I totally get what you are saying. The people involved do matter, respect and time spent together does matter and even I suffer from jealousy. Eventually, it all works out….

    • sweetspice permalink*
      January 8, 2010 8:04 pm

      First, I have to say thank you Mina. Totally love that you’re willing to open yourself up and share with me (and everybody else) – and also I’m here if you need me to bitchslap someone. That would be so hard to watch (via twitter) when you’re not involved. You know my feelings on that whole aboveboard thing – we’ve talked about it before. That is definitely something I’ll have to work on if I ever enter into a primary relationship – like you I’d want to know – and would fret if I didn’t know. So hard to break that habit and I know you trust Sylvanus. *sigh*

      Right now I just want to go hug you because I could feel the frustration coming through your words. Damn I’ll miss you when you move to the frozen north – er east coast. Even though you will only be a interweb away! *huge hugs*

  3. January 9, 2010 5:42 pm

    I hope you find that special somebody or somebodies soon :o) Local might be better but who knows..

    • sweetspice permalink*
      January 9, 2010 6:05 pm

      So far I’m a fail at finding anyone local. Partly because I’m not out there looking due to time commitment stuff. But our local munch didn’t really do much for me. Maybe eventually.

    • January 9, 2010 6:21 pm

      munch? tried sites like

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