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With Fall Comes Change

September 20, 2009

We’re coming up on fall, when there’s lots of change. Hopefully one of the changes will be cooler weather. I guess it’s put me in a mood. Maybe it was the visit to the baby psychologist – baby because she’s not licensed, she’s still working with supervision. It’s funny how I walked out not really feeling like anything was accomplished except for being amusing, but I walked out more – confident isn’t the word, bold I guess. I think I was strutting as I walked down the mall. I felt empowered I guess you could say. I’ll think on that a bit, maybe it’s not the importance of liking the way you look so much as feeling empowered as a person. I often feel totally powerless and ugly.

So one of the things I mentioned I’d like to learn to avoid is the traps. It was very hard to explain (so I hear you saying … ) but I mostly got her to understand. I am a person who loves a challenge, loves new people, especially when they are snarky, funny, etc. So I meet someone like that, someone who attracts me on a mental level and it very easily becomes an emotional bonding – on my side. The trap is that I expect others to feel the same, and when they don’t, I’m crushed. I get that most people don’t connect with me, but when people I do seem to connect to stop talking to – I shut down, go in my hole, even lash out. I don’t want to know a reason, I don’t care. I’m going to tear that person from my life before they can hurt me any further. Therein lies the trap.

My emotions are the trap. They trap me and suck me in and throw me around in a whirling dervish of pain. I hate it. I can not control my immediate actions. I am literally out of control. The logical side says oh well, they don’t want to speak to me, fine. Their loss. And even Sir Logic is harsh, because communication stops. That person no longer exists outside of polite response. No more access to the inner workings and heart of the machine. Ms. Emotion goes farther and wails, shouts, cuts at the person. She longs to understand the whys and reasons. To argue against it, argue for a complete, total annihilation of any vestige of friendship with that person.

Between the two of them they catch me in their trap, a trap I long to e free of. I want to live in a world less torn by hurricanes, where if I lose the connection to a person, it doesn’t bother me. I don’t feel the need to ignore them or hate them. I just move on with my life without them, no odd blips on my screen. This is what I’m working on. Moving persons from the A column of “I like you, I want to talk to you, you interest me, I miss you when you’re gone” to Column C “Oh yes, I vaguely remember you”. That would be a step in the right direction.

I apologize if you’ve been an accidental adventurer in the whirlpool. I am a passionate person, I can not help that. The part that lets me care about a stranger also tends to gather emotions around like a multi-layered coat.

Change is coming. Change is good. Oddly enough I think the girl-chica-doctor will do some good, if nothing else she amuses me and makes me a little more introspective. If I can just get through all the “So I hear you saying…” stuff. I have a me I want to be, I am working at peeling all the layers off to reach her. But I am a work in progress. Be patient. Or not, because really if you don’t enjoy talking to me, why bother. I’ll take the hint and move on to people that do like to talk. Or tell me out right, sorry, I’m not that into you. Or whatever the buzzwords are. I want positives in my life, people that enjoy my company, who like to talk to me. I don’t want to bang my head against walls of disinterest. And I’m sure, neither do you.

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