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One – Two – What to do?

September 1, 2009

I’m doing some thinking lately. I’ve found so many fun people on twitter, hot and kinky people, some I’d love very much to play with. But then these buzzers go off in my head – because I let myself actually get attached. I’m trying to figure it all out. I know, it’s just me in many ways. Something clicks and I form these attachments. And then they either form them back or they don’t.

I guess I’m doing a piss poor job of explaining it, even to myself. And before anyone reads too much into it, it’s not about YOU. Or rather it is, probably, maybe. But it’s more about all the YOUs I’ve talked to. I am not looking for an owner, someone to dictate everything. Which makes me lean more toward the poly side of things, or at the very least – an open relationship. Only problem is, I tend to be one of those who just – cares. I mean even a person I’ve only met once can touch me. So then when things change, it hurts.

That’s what I’m trying to figure out. I don’t like that hurt. Makes me want to shut everyone and everything out. To stop talking, stop being, stop caring. But I know I can’t. I’ve not been able to lock up my feelings. Ever. Hell, I cry at commercials. Sappy, sad. Doesn’t matter. I’m a sensitive sort. And the biggest pet peeve I have in the world is being made to feel like I don’t count. Even if it’s just a matter of having gone from a high-priority with someone to a very low-priority. Drives me nuts. I’d rather just say adios, Kiss my ass, don’t write or call.

It happens, logically I know this. I meet person A, we connect. Get to talking, enjoy each other’s company. First it’s talking all the time, then pretty soon it’s a trickle. Unless I’m pushing, we don’t talk but once a day, once a week, once in a blue moon. I’ve fallen to the bottom of their priority list. And therein lies the problem. There is a bit of jealousy, must be honest here, but mostly it’s that I’ve ceased to matter. Maybe it’s that I’ve been moved from the “Damn baby, your hot” to the “Oh hi, nice to talk to you” friend category. Or maybe they found rl play partners or online play partners.

Whatever the case may be, where I used to be important, now I’m not. I want to be important. Silly as it may sound, if I talk to someone on twitter, and they don’t respond, it makes me sad. It makes me hurt, and I just don’t see the need to talk to people who ignore me. Yes, twitter fails. But when it goes on and on and on and on. When people that used to say hi and good morning, stop saying it to me, but keep saying it to others. Yep, that’s a hint that I’ve fallen off their list. And I don’t like it.

So yeah, I worry that I won’t be good at Poly. That I’ll be one of those that say *I* get to be open, but my partner(s) must only have me. Which sucks. Because really, it’s very hard to be all to one person, or expect them to be all for you. That’s a lot of pressure. I guess I’m just not very secure in myself – and that’s *MY* failing. Not anyone else’s. Guess I still need to work on it. I feel a little bit angry when I lose what I had. Angry at the person that took them, angry at the person that deserted me. And I need to get over that. Because I’m giving them the power to hurt me.

So I need anonymous sex so there’s no danger of getting attached, but I am not attracted to anonymous. I have to know the person first – and then I get attached. *sigh* This is just a big old ramble, I haven’t solved anything. I guess part of me wants someone that really only wants only me, for whom I’m special to. But another part of me enjoys the many – the variety. So whoops, looks like I want to have my cake (not sharing!) and eat yours too. I’ll figure it out eventually – guess it’s a good thing I’m single. Or maybe it’s why I’m still single.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. September 1, 2009 9:36 pm

    oh sweetie! You should know that I understand completely what you are talking about here. Wow… this could be written by me. I too get attached to people pretty quickly. I don’t have many friends, so when I make some new ones that i can be 100% Mina with, I am thrilled and excited. And so far, “most” of these friends are all gone.

    I TOTALLY get what you are saying about Twitter. Oh indeed I do. I’ve said the same words as you. I notice when people stop saying hi to me but chat away with others.

    It’s tough I know.. I try to not get attached to people but it’s my nature. I get very attached to certain people and then they float away or they just don’t feel the same way.

    • sweetspice permalink*
      September 2, 2009 8:26 am

      Thanks darlin’ for that comment. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. I don’t like getting upset about it, but I do. I try so hard not to do that to other people. Even when they’re complete idiots that I shouldn’t have followed in the first place. So if ever you think I’m not talking to you bonk my on the head *grin*.

  2. wtfskh permalink
    September 8, 2009 11:55 am

    true but regardless it seems we all drop at one time or another. if i say hi and they say hi back will ask how it is going… if not go on.. learned along time ago that if u wait u will still be waiting a long time.. You are not alone. you have friends I know i have chatted with you but then we all get busy..say hi sometime during the day usually on

  3. September 9, 2009 4:45 pm

    WOW, I know the feeling about getting attached.. I get attached to anyone that I can really talk to..

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