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Submissives R Us?

July 4, 2009

There was a recent posting on Fetlife about mouthy subs. The question was do Doms hate them? I went to read it because it’s always in the back of my mind, I am a bit headstrong. We’ve had talks about this on twitter as well. How the Dom/sub relationship is about power exchange, not just roll over for anyone. It seems to me (note this is my opinion) that some Doms (or people who call themselves Doms) feel that if you have a sub tag then you should automatically submit to them.

Now I get that it’s not the case, because there have been plenty of those who identify as subs who’ve taken exception to this. But I’ve also seen subs who object to other subs that object to anything ANY Dom says. It totally grates on my nerves to “hear” them say (in my mind their tones are rather condescending) you should never disagree with your Dom, you must always make your Dom’s life pleasant and peaceful. It is your job as a submissive to cater to the Dom’s every whim no matter what. Um, no. Sorry. And sorry if that offends someone. I’ve spent 42 years getting to be my own person – a bit hard to change into someone without their own mind now. (Ouch probably just offended you again)

Maybe this is why I’ve avoided jumping into anything that hints of D/s over the years. I couldn’t see myself totally sublimating what makes me – well, me. But I do have the whole sense of wanting to submit – around certain people. (Yes I also have the desire to take other people by the hair and hold them down to have my evil way with them.) But it is very much a sense of exchanging strength. Giving control of my strength isn’t just automatic. It’s earned. Just because you call yourself a Dom doesn’t make you MY dom.

I think that’s why when the one guy I was seeing decided one night to “control” me, it just turned me off. He was playing at it, he hadn’t earned it. In fact it was all talk, and it felt hokey to me. The guy who started the thread on fetlife was the same way, he seemed more of a caricature of a Dom, rather than someone who was truly Dominant. I’m sure there’s a lot of that going around, and those who’ve been in the lifestyle for years know all about it. I’m new and I think it’s sad, because it ruins the lifestyle for many people.

Okay I’m rambling a bit, and the whole point really was to look at what I think of as submissive. And the truth is, I don’t know. I know some things – but the more I see of good Doms and how they treat their subs, the less I know. I have no clue where my journey will take me. Maybe I need to make a checklist of things I don’t want – I suppose that would be my “hard limits”.

Obviously this is an ongoing thought process. Being around the “kinksters” on twitter and fetlife certainly helps. I think what I really need is to start asking questions. I need to find me a couple that has a strong Dom/sub foundation and take a look at what makes it work. Or a few couples. Anyway, if you want to volunteer – *grin*.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. thepinkpoppet permalink
    July 6, 2009 11:22 am

    For whatever it is worth, I totally understand and agree with you on this.I am very submissive by nature. It took me decades to finally admit that and other things to myself and then took time to come clean with my mate about it. I am happily, willingly and joyfully slave to my Master, but it is to MY Master, not every Master/Dom/Domme. There is occasionally a willful, headstrong woman within the submissive I am, but my Master can and does deal with that.He has earned that. Not all that ‘play’ at Master are Master. We are all unique and every situation is as well. Couples in this lifestyle tend to make their own rules and guidelines as to what works for them alone. But to expect all slaves/subbies to submit just because someone calls themself a Master/Dom is not gonna fly with most. Just my two cents worth.

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