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Half-Naked Vulnerability

June 25, 2009

So I stopped doing HNT’s a while back, but I’ve been thinking. Naked can be physical or emotional. A post that shows your vulnerable parts of the psyche could also qualify as half-naked. But there’s lots of sexy HNT’s out there. You should check out O’s site for those! Or just do a twitter search on HNT. This post has no pictures, just some half-naked vulnerability.

A good place to start is why I stopped with the HNT’s. It may not make sense to others but it does make total sense to me. I was getting all excited because it seems like people actually liked the pictures. I was getting into them, thinking of cool shots to do. While I wasn’t in love with them, or with the way I looked in them, I liked the feedback.

Then I guess, when I started talking (flirting) more with some people I fell back into the “I really hate the way I look” thinking and wanted to make sure those people knew what they were getting into. I was hurt when I shared a couple of photos that showed all of me with someone who had been nice and complimentary and all the response I got to those was “I like your hair.” Gee, thanks.

I realized I’d been fooling myself. I’m not particularly pretty, never have been. Certainly not now that I’m at the weight I am. And despite what someone else hinted at, I’m not asking for people to validate me by saying I’m pretty or whatever. I wouldn’t believe it anyway. This is about ME and how I feel about myself. Not about what others feel. But too many times I’ve had people say one thing, then do something else. Someone that says they want to meet but then don’t speak to me because they’re too busy talking to all the “pretty” ones.

So yes, I crawled into my hole. I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That there is so much more to people than what’s on the surface. I know what other people think really shouldn’t matter, but it does hurt. And I refuse to compete for someone’s attention. Or waste someone’s time when obviously the kind of person they’re attracted to doesn’t remotely resemble me.

So am I’m shooting myself in the foot but always being on the defensive? I’m sure I am. I’m trying to keep myself grounded in reality to avoid the hurt. Because even if this is the internet, I care about people. I am attracted to certain people. So I’m trying not expect things from other people. I’m also trying not to be too negative, even when I have to force it. Bottom line, I don’t like the way I look. I want so much to be like the pretty girls who get all the attention, but I know I can’t compete. And I won’t. I still have to be me, but I’m trying to be me while not getting my hopes up.

One Comment leave one →
  1. August 20, 2009 4:12 pm

    you gotta be you.. I think you look mahvelous but you can post creative pics like the one behind piano.. or dont post any, do what you feel like..

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