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There’s Always A First Time

May 2, 2009

I was a good girl – mostly. I tended to want to be bad, but I’d never learned to cross the lines. Some people just know how to walk the danger zone naturally. K was one of those girls. Really, the kind I love to hate, even now. The kind who just expect everyone to do everything for her. Who never pays her way, because someone always jumps to it. I always wondered how much of her “persona” was really her, and how much was meant to garner attention. But still, she was the first girl who ever kissed me.

Imagine a half-goth, half-biker chick dark haired girl. 20-something, always with a boyfriend available. I’d heard the rumors that she liked girls and guys but mostly I tended to roll my eyes at her antics. I don’t even remember where we were heading that night, but we’d headed out of my house in search of something. We were halfway across the grass, still in view of the party crowd spilling out on to the doorstep when she reached a hand out and grabbed me by the back of my neck.

Well what would you do, if you were suddenly pulled into a full-blown french kiss with no warning? I automatically kissed back. It was different, not quite like kissing a guy. It was fast, tongues dueling, lips mashing. I wasn’t particularly attracted to her, but kissing was definitely fun. I had a feeling that it was more because she was drunk and out to shock people than actually burning with desire for me. But it was definitely memorable. I don’t even think we flirted before or after. It was kind of a non-event. Yet things like that always have ripple effects.

Not long after I met a girl, but this one I ended up caring about. I still wasn’t really sure about the whole thing, but I’d learned one thing, it was the person I was attracted to, not the gender. Another relationship that never went anywhere. To her, I was a crashpad. She was only interested in girls when it was convenient: she used guy’s fascination with the whole “two girls kissing” to draw them in. I shrugged my shoulders and moved on, a little hurt, a little wiser.

I still believe that it’s the person not the gender that attracts me. Although I must admit, boobies are so lovely to play with. But really, I’m very limited in my experiences. And have even avoided them in real life, because well, honestly? The whole oral sex thing turned me off. I mean everything else, I was down for, pardon the pun. But I hated going down on a guy after we’d had sex. I couldn’t imagine getting that close to the taste all the time.

Now mind you, some of those experiences included a whole lot of kissing, touching, nibbling of nipples. I loved all of that. I just felt it would be rude to start a relationship when I wasn’t interested in an act that seemed like it would be a pretty big deal. (A lesbian friend of mine recently said that it’s never been that prominent with the girls she’s gone to bed with, but then, that’s just one person’s opinion). So I’ve put myself down as heteroflexible, because well, there are girls I do find attractive. I’m just clueless.

But I’m not an unwilling student. I think I’m just too shy to ask. Usually I just imagine myself doing to the girl what I’d like done to me. (And since I’ve never been particularly excited about receiving oral sex, I’ve got no real frame of reference anyway – yes, I know, I’m crazy) I will say this, as I go about my day, I find myself more attracted to the ones with a bit of an edge. Some are “butch”, some are just sassy. I guess K influenced me hopelessly and forever on what I want in a girl. Woman.

One Comment leave one →
  1. May 4, 2009 3:45 pm

    I can relate to the first time being influencial. My first girlfriend left an indelible mark on my taste in women and in what I think they expect from me.

    As to oral sex, I’m a fan of giving and receiving, but I know that’s a matter of taste, pun intended 😉

    And finally, I think being attracted to people rather than gender is very cool.

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