Now – mind you I’m not “immersed” in the culture. So I’m kind of taking what I’m seeing in QAF with a grain of salt but it’s not actually refuting things I’ve heard in other places. That whether you’re a gay male or a lesbian woman – switching to the other team is at the least met with a “eww ick” face, at worst met with utter disdain and disgust. I mean really – in a culture that’s supposed to be accepting of everyone, a culture that’s been trampled on by idiotic phobic people – is there room to basically cut people out of your community for liking “that”?

I get not being interested – I mean my posts of male parts squicks out several of my tumblr followers. That’s okay. But they’re not going to look down on me because I like them – are they? See that is part of the issue for me – I’ve always liked guys. I’m not going to stop that part of me – but now, I’m attracted to certain female-bodied individuals. Am I going to be told that I’m a fake, or other derogatory terms because I still like guys? It kind of makes me nervous to enter in fully to this new community. And I don’t like that.

Back to QAF and the whole reason I brought them up: there’s a lesbian couple (and I love these two) who have been together for a while, with their own dramas going on. Nothing unusual I’d think for a couple, and I can’t imagine how they could have been handled better (more on that later) but now a man has been introduced. As a writer, I could see where it was going from the beginning. He’s obviously a narcissistic womanizer who has never met a women he can’t get in to bed. Enter Lindsey, whom he knows is a lesbian and is married with a pregnant wife. Can we say CHALLENGE? The sparks were flying from the beginning.

Now, in my head – the biggest problem is that stupid Lindsay should have backed out early on because it was obvious that it could be trouble. But I was thinking – affair. Cheating on wife. That’s where I was going. Maybe that’s just my “straight” mentality. I didn’t care if she slept with a guy or a girl; it was the fact that she was cheating. Even when they were in bed BEFORE she cheated, I knew where her mind was at. And that, well, that was already cheating. (Note, cheating because there had been no open-communication on the subject.)

But that wasn’t the issue for Melanie. No, she was upset that Lindsey slept with a MAN. She can’t call herself a Lesbian now. Mind you, I wanted to slap Lindsay. Hello, you don’t sleep with someone to affirm that you’re making the right decision in being a lesbian. Dumb Bitch. So in that, I totally agree with Melanie. But I think she was meaning more that she screwed up, she’d been flattered and was sorry but she knew what was important and that was her family, her wife. The same things that go through the mind of anyone who cheats and regrets it. But again, I’m seeing it through a different lens.

Then I found Afterellen’s take on it. And I must say that I was a little upset when they said – well if it had been written by a lesbian team of writers, like on the L word, then it would have been okay. I thought actually it was handled well, but yeah cue in the “straight” music. I’m also of the mindset that (maybe this is why I’m pansexual?) everyone is equal – no matter if they’re gay, straight, young, old, fat, thin, black, white, or something in between and that I could be attracted to any of the above.

I suppose where I’m going with this is that shouldn’t love be about all the parts you are? Lindsey screwed up and didn’t voice anything. But that didn’t happen because she was a lesbian. It could have happened to me, or to any straight couple or gay couple or poly group. The biggest issue for the characters though (and from what Afterellen said – the community) was the stepping over the line and mixing it up sexually – playing both sides of the field.

So this scares me a bit. I want to be able to go after that butch that I like – to be able to be part of a community that accepts me. But I want them to accept all of me. Not look down on me when I’m walking holding hands with a female-bodied person because I look at a male-bodied person who I find attractive (with of course my partner’s knowledge and acceptance before hand). Or if they see me with one. I thought that would only happen in the straight world. Now I’ve got to worry it’s going to happen on the other side too? So help me out here – clue me in. Where are the pitfalls of this new path I’m traveling? Do you agree or disagree with them?

I can’t make up my mind. Well some people would say that. Or maybe they’d say I want my cake and cupcakes too. And honestly, since all my thoughts on this subject are just that – thoughts – there’s no experience backing them up, then maybe you can call me a fake. But I think there’s enough validity in what’s in a person’s mind being the impetus for what goes in their heart and actions, that I’m going to claim this for me. I am a kinky switch, who likes it rough but is not into pain, who loves the exchange of power, who loves cock and loves boobs, who is looking for a Poly(amorous) relationship.

Now does this mean when reality hits it will be easy because I know what I want? Hell no. Label wise I say I’m pansexual, switch and poly. Because it really is about the individual. I tend to fall for words and actions. Now that’s not to say the physical doesn’t draw me. I must admit a certain fondness for butches and bad boys. Huh maybe those are just two of the same. Anyway – the physical is important, but really less than people realize. At least for me (I’ve been on the other end of some people’s idea of what they do NOT want so).

I may post hot six-packs and sexy butches like Shane on my tumblr but you’ll have to trust me when I say that it’s the person. I could give examples but then if they read this blog I’d have to explain why I was giving them as examples of what most people aren’t interested in. Not going there. And I’ve had recent conversations where I didn’t explain this well. Me saying I’m not attracted isn’t about I don’t like you physically. It means there’s that little piece that didn’t click, even though we clicked in all other ways.

There’s a lot I can’t talk about – because I don’t know what will happen when I get to that situation – but there’s a lot I’m sure of. I’m sure that with some people the growly me comes out. The part that wants to take, to bite, to hold them in my control. This could be me pegging someone, this could be me choosing to please myself with their body. However *I* see fit. But other people make me feel very soft and vulnerable. Make me feel the need to please and bend to their will; the need to put what they want first and to be used by them.

I have always been into the cock – 95% of my experience has been with males. And yes, I love them. They will always be part of what I want. But I’ve expanded that out to include the non-bio cock. Especially when connected to a sexy butch. Although that doesn’t preclude the femmes. I’m just not experienced and have gone through much of my life uncertain of how far I’d go for many reasons I’ve stated before this post. But I’d say I have had a crush – even attempted the beginning of a relationship, with another girl. It’s the person as a whole that makes me hungry, makes me feel.

As for poly. That is rough. Especially with some things I’ve been going through. Well even the worst of situations let you learn more about yourself. I have learned a lot, I know there will be some jealousy depending on who my partner’s other partner is. But I also know that jealousy just means I’m not getting what I need from MY partner. And I need to ask for it. If I don’t get it, I need to ask again, but be prepared to walk away. There’s a lot more to it, but I still can’t see any way but poly. I do fall in love. And at this point I can’t see myself loving just one person because there are so many others that I connect to and so many facets of who I am and what I need.

So, I want it all. Or rather I can’t make up my mind. Depends on how you look at it. I never know what’s going to make me go down the path of lust/love/crush. I never know what’s going to make me click with someone as a friend. But I’m letting myself be open to all the possibilities. At the same time I’m keeping in mind what I can give – because it’s a two way street. I have to remember that I’m meeting someone else’s needs and be sensitive to that. We all have love to give and enough to spill over and over, but can we do justice to that many people. There are limits and a wise person knows (or is willing to learn and admit mistakes) just how far they can go. I’m lucky to have several wise people in my life who I can go to for advice. Thank you for that.